JUDGE NOT

Jesus said, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Matthew 7:1) But Joseph Smith was inspired to amend that statement to :
"Judge not unrighteously . . ."

So how do I tell if my judgment is a righteous one?

I have finally learned (after years of blundering) that I cannot judge another human being. I can only judge a situation. In fact, sometimes I must judge a situation. If someone is acting in ways that are harmful or foolish, I may have a moral duty to take some action. This is different from passing judgment on that person.

When I judge a situation, I am evaluating the rightness or wrongness of a behavior. When I judge a person I come perilously close to deciding something about their intrinsic worth. A behavior may be bad or dumb or worthless, but a person never is. Even our system of laws and courts should only be used to determine the wrongness of a behavior and the appropriate consequence. It should never be used to determine whether someone is good or evil.

Only God can make a perfect judgment about anyone. I keep this quote nearby to remind me of that:

"Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is
illuminating. By judging we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are."
--Dietrich Bonhoeffer

OUTER CHAOS, INNER CALM

From time to time I will come across the following advice: “A successful day starts by making your bed.” I suppose the idea is a little bit of order and self-discipline will get off me to a good start and help me begin a day of productive activity.

I only have one problem with this suggestion--if I make my bed every day I will die. Not immediately, but probably within a couple of years.

Due to some serious health challenges, my body creates a limited amount of energy. If I spend that energy making the bed and doing other similar tasks, I run a real risk of using up the energy that I need to move and to breathe.

When I first began struggling with my health, I had one very young daughter. On a good day, I could keep an eye on my child, do some laundry and fix a few meals. One afternoon I was lying on the couch, looking at the mess in my living room and feeling very discouraged. The clutter really bothered me, yet I knew that nothing in my life was going to change anytime soon.

That was the moment I realized I must learn to do something very hard. I must learn how to remain calm in less than ideal circumstances. I must learn to be serene, patient, and loving while living in the midst of chaos.

I believe the human brain craves order and beauty. I believe when we are surrounded by order and beauty most of us find it easier to be kind and patient with each other.

But I could not create order and beauty around me. And my loyal husband was very busy working full time, being a daddy, and caring for his sick wife.

I think there are many people who must live in chaos, at least for a time. Fun things like a kitchen remodel or hard things like a family crisis may create enormous stressors and stretch us to the breaking point. So I thought I would share ten practices that have helped me maintain order and beauty in my soul when I could not have order and beauty in my home.


1. Manage tension and pain.
Tension plus chaos make it really hard to stay serene! So I pay attention to my physical comfort. There are many ways to care for the body--relaxation, stretching, more water and good nutrition are just a few that have helped me. If I am not living on the very edge of my endurance, I am less likely to blow up and say something I regret to the people that I love.

2. Take a mental break
It is wonderfully helpful to watch a favorite film or read an entertaining book. Recently I heard a favorite podcaster say that reading something fun helps her to relax--and when she is relaxed, she’s a better person! https://shalominthecity.libsyn.com/maybe-we-should-hang-out-of-something

3. If someone genuinely wants to help me, let them help me!
And here’s a bit of advice for those who have a friend who suffers with a chronic condition. Don’t be so overwhelmed by the enormity of their problem that you decide a small act of kindness couldn’t possibly make any difference. Small acts of kindness have big benefits.

Several summers ago, I wanted some fresh tomatoes desperately, but every time I drove past a fruit stand I was too exhausted to stop and buy them. Then one day my doorbell rang. It was my neighbor, Ruth, holding a bag full of tomatoes from her garden. That happened over 20 years ago, but the memory still comforts me today.

4. Have some fun!
Fun gives me energy and helps me relax. It releases hormones that calm my brain and comfort my heart.

Once my son was asked where his family liked to go on vacation. He replied that since his mom was sick, we didn’t vacation very much. So then his friend asked what we did for fun. “Well, he said, “we usually just sit around and talk and try to make each other laugh.” (Over the years we have gotten really good at making each other laugh.)

5. Spend time in nature.
Sometimes I will park my car under a tree and just look at the leaves rustling in the breeze. Sunlight and growing things reduce pain, energize me and restore my serenity.

6. Monitor self-talk.
Watch out for that nasty voice in my head saying that the surrounding chaos is proof I am worthless and unlovable. Remember God understands my challenges and will always love me. And remember that the Holy Spirit can fill a rat-infested dungeon when someone with a pure heart is suffering there.

7. Create a little bit of order and beauty.
Directly across from my easy chair is the side of my refrigerator. I have covered it with pictures of Christ, a beautiful art calendar and several inspiring quotations. I try to look at that instead of the rest of the kitchen!

8. Practice gratitude.
My husband helped me come up with this fun challenge. When I start worrying obsessively about something, I try to think of five to ten blessings related to that problem. Then I thank God for each one of those blessings.

For example, one of my current concerns is that when my husband retires, I will lose my health insurance. Related blessings are:
1) He is willing to keep working while we figure out a solution.
2) Right now, we do have excellent health insurance
3) I have great doctors.
4) I also have access to great alternative health care.
5) I have learned many important ways to help my body survive and heal.

Gratitude seems to make me more open to divine help. It is so easy for my prayers to become one long list of my worries and fears. But I actually receive better solutions when I shift my focus to gratitude.

9. Let God set my priorities.
Linda Reeves tells the story of a time in her life when she and her husband felt overwhelmed as they tried to take care of their four small children. When they went to the Lord the answer was: “It’s OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evenings.” (General Conference Talk, April 2014: “Protection from Pornography”)

I remember sitting on my front steps one summer afternoon watching my 6 year old play; I realized that she had worn the same swimsuit for three days in a row because I was too weak to help her find something else to wear. I thought about the long to-do list I had been taught all my life. I was supposed to be doing family history and missionary work and keeping a spotless home and serving my neighbor and going to the temple and being involved in my community while being the perfect mother and perfect wife. The loop of self-condemnation was running relentlessly inside my head.

And then, quite suddenly, a different voice spoke to me: “Take care of your daughter. Take care of yourself.”

In that moment, I knew the divine priorities of my life. I knew that the only person I needed to please was God, who perfectly knew my limitations and my life’s work.

Everyday I make up my to-do list and I show it God. Then, if it doesn’t feel right, I change it until it does. And I try not to worry about the mountain of other things that I do not get done that day.

10. Figure out my best kind of prayer.
The best kind of prayer makes me feel calmer and more able to cope. It makes me eager to pray again.

One of my friends prays out loud in her car. When she is struggling with a difficult problem she says: “I need to go for a drive!” She prays and she drives and she drives and she prays. Afterward she feels much more clarity and peace about what she should do.

I once heard someone call into a Christian radio program and say that she didn’t know how to pray when her preschoolers were taking all her time and energy. The radio guest told her to lie down on the floor, prostrate herself before the Lord and pray while her children climbed over her.

I like to load up my iPod with inspirational music. A few times a day, I take a 5 minute break to listen to a song and sit quietly with God. These prayer times restore my serenity and fill me with strength.

Under ideal circumstances, it is much easier to be patient, serene and full of joy. But very few of us live under ideal circumstances. And I didn’t come to earth to live in ideal circumstances anyway. I came to transform into a woman who is more like my Eternal Mother. Who (I am sure) remains serene no matter what is going on in the universe!

GENERAL CONFERENCE AND THE TETRIS EFFECT

 This is how Shawn Achor describes the "Tetris Effect" in his book THE HAPPINESS ADVANTAGE:

   “In a study at Harvard Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry, researchers paid 27 people to play Tetris for multiple hours a day, three days in a row. . . .For days after the study, some participants literally couldn’t stop dreaming about shapes falling from the sky. Other couldn’t stop seeing these shapes everywhere, even in their waking hours. Quite simply, they couldn’t stop seeing their world as being made of up sequences of Tetris blocks. . . .

    This isn’t just a vision problem, playing hour after hour of Tetris actually changes the wiring of the brain. Specifically, as subsequent studies found, the consistent play was creating new neural pathways, new connections that warped the way they viewed real-life situations.”

(pp. 88-89)

Achor goes on to write an entire chapter on how we can use the “Tetris Effect” to improve our lives. He explains that we can train our brains to search for either positives or negatives and that “when our brains constantly scan for and focus on the positive, we profit from three of the most important tools available to us: happiness, gratitude, and optimism.” (p.97)

I’ve been thinking about the Tetris Effect and General Conference. I have noticed that when I have programmed my brain to pounce on flaws, then I will hear many flaws in the Conference sermons. If I’m looking for sexism, I will find it. If I’m looking for cliches, they will be there. If I’m looking for a political bias, I’ll probably find that too.

On the other hand, when I approach a Conference talk with some humility and a prayer in my heart, then I have a very different experience. And I have found the most powerful prayer to be: “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this message?”

I believe this is what Moroni was talking about when he warned us about being too critical of the golden plates: “And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God . . .” (Cover page of the Book of Mormon)

Of course, sometimes it is imperative to bring a critical approach to a situation. I belong to a writing group; once a month we each submit a chapter to be critiqued. I would learn very little if my submissions were always returned covered only in praise. I need criticism! I need to know what is going wrong in my writing. In fact, as Achor points out in his book, many professions require an employee to use negative thinking all day long.

The problem is when we transfer that skill into a situation where it doesn’t belong--where a negative, critical approach will warp the experience.  (The example Achor gives is when a lawyer goes home from work and puts his family on trial.)

I have found that General Conference is not a good place to bring a negative mindset that is primed to pounce on mistakes.  That attitude does not put me in touch with the Divine. And the only way to hear the word of God is through the presence and power of the Holy Spirit.

Last Conference, although I was trying to listen with humility and grace, I still heard something that I didn’t like at all. When I prayed about it, I received a very quick and loving answer that felt something like this:  “I know, Lynnell, and I will take care of it.”

Listening with the Spirit does not mean I will never notice anything negative. It does make it more likely that I will be blessed with the insight I need to deal with a sermon that I don't like.  And much more likely that I will hear the unique message that the Lord has prepared just for me.

GROWING IN FAITH BY QUESTIONING EVERYTHING

From time to time, someone I admire  will announce that they are leaving The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As I read through their list of criticisms, I realize that I know about those problems too, but for some reason they have not driven me out of the church. And when I think about why not, I realize that my refusal to worship General Authorities or practice blind obedience has served my testimony very well.

I learned as a small child that church leaders can make extremely serious mistakes--mistakes that do terrible, lasting harm to members of their flock. Because of these memories, I decided as an adult that whenever I was troubled by church claims or counsel, I would go to the Lord and get my own testimony of what I was supposed to do.

As long as something falls under my stewardship, it is my business to get divine guidance about it. And doing that, over and over again, has blessed me with so many powerful and holy experiences that I really don't care how many wives Joseph Smith had or whether the church is making the best possible use of my tithing funds.

The crucial issue for me is the Gift of the Holy Ghost. It is there when I open a book of scripture. It is there when I take the sacrament. It is there when I walk through the gates of the temple. Often I will sit in a church meeting and notice that my soul is soaking up the Holy Spirit in the same manner that my body would soak up water after stumbling out of a terrifying desert.

Does this mean I have no questions? No! I have tons of questions and I’m not afraid to pursue them. Does this mean I think the church is perfect? No! If we were perfect, we would be living in Zion, a community so perfected that Jesus Christ would be living with us. But I believe that we have been endowed at baptism and in the temple with the power to eventually solve all of the problems and answer all of the questions.

I have researched many different religions. I have discovered many wonderful people along the way--people who are much better than I am. What they lack is the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I cannot find it anywhere except in this church--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And I could not live a day of my life without it.

TRUTH AND THE FAMILY PROCLAMATION

Over the years, I have developed a very specific approach to our twice-yearly General Conferences. I like to listen to most of the sessions on the radio.That way I can also go for a drive in the car, clean the kitchen or work on a crochet project. Sunday mornings I like to watch on television with my husband because then I can swing my feet into his lap and get a two-hour foot rub. Conference weekend is a lovely, relaxed, casual event in my life (even though there is usually at least one talk that I don't like very much!)

But on Monday morning, my attitude changes. “OK,” I say to myself, “Time to get serious about this. Time to get  to work.” For the next several weeks, I listen again to each conference talk.

Just one talk per day. 

In the years before the internet, I used to record conference on our VCR and then play a part of the tape every day, even though I wasn't sure that taping conference from TV was strictly legal. (My children used to scold me about this: “Mom, you can hide it from everyone else, but THE LORD knows that you are taping conference!)

Nowadays the technology has changed; General Conference is available on both the internet and as a podcast download. But I still use the same approach. I listen to each sermon seriously and prayerfully (especially if it was the one I didn’t like!) I study it and ponder it and I pray that the Lord will send the Holy Spirit to enlighten my mind and heart to hear His voice. 

The fact is, I'm really not that interested in what a man or woman has to say to me. I want to know what the Lord has to say to me.

When I approach a Conference address in this manner, something happens that I find miraculous. The message changes. I hear something different than what I heard over Conference weekend. Sometimes it is radically different, sometimes it is just a little bit different.  But it changes enough to affirm a fundamental doctrine of this church:

“. . . he that is ordained of me and sent forth to preach the word of truth by the Comforter, in the Spirit of truth, doth he preach it by the Spirit of truth or some other way?

And if it be by some other way, it is not of God.

And again, he that receiveth the word of truth, doth he receive it by the Spirit of truth or some other way?

If it be some other way it is not of God.”

D&C 50:17-20

In other words, the word of God can only be spoken or understood by the power of the Holy Spirit-- the Spirit of Truth.

I don’t apply this process over Conference weekend because it takes a serious, sustained focus that I can only keep up for about half an hour. This is also the reason I have never applied it to the document that is generally referred to as The Family Proclamation.

In September 1995, "The Family: a Proclamation to the World" was read by Gordon B. Hinckley during the general meeting of the Relief Society. Since then, it has attracted a great deal of attention and controversy. I have seen some very sincere and compassionate Latter-day Saints decide that they can no longer support the Church because of the ideas expressed in this document. It needs some serious consideration.

However, in 1995, my physical body was rapidly succumbing to a life threatening illness that took years of my life and all of my strength to survive. So I couldn't spare any energy on the important subject of Church doctrines surrounding family and marriage relationships.

But I am blessed with much greater health and energy these days. And it is very important to me discover truth and to know things for myself. So it is time for me to examine the Proclamation--slowly, seriously, thoughtfully and with all the charity and humility I can summon.

Time to get to work.

JOSEPH SMITH'S PLURAL MARRIAGES

Recently the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints published a historical document on its website, describing the polygamous marriages of Joseph Smith. Although, I had known about these unusual relationships since my college days, the publication gave me an opportunity to re-examine my personal convictions about Joseph Smith and his calling as a prophet. 

I am not a fan of the “doctrine of plurality of wives”. None of my church leaders has ever told me that I must be an ardent supporter of this principle in order to be a devout Latter-day Saint. Nevertheless, Joseph Smith’s controversial behavior is still something church members must deal with in some fashion or other.  This is how I deal with it.

In the gospel of John, chapter 9, we read about an amazing miracle and its very interesting aftermath. Jesus heals a man who had been blind from his birth. The news spreads quickly through town and the Pharisees are thrown into confusion. Eventually, they bring in the blind man’s parents for questioning. The religious leaders want to know if their son was truly blind when he was born. The parents affirm that he was, but they are very intimidated and refuse to say anything more. They point out that their son is an adult and can answer for himself. So the newly healed man appears before the Pharisees, who warn him not to give Jesus any credit for his restored sight, “Give God the praise,” they tell him, “We know that this man [Jesus] is a sinner.”

But the once-blind man displays both courage and wonderful common sense. He says to the Pharisees: “Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.”

This is how I feel about Joseph Smith’s strange plural marriages—marriages to young girls and older women, marriages to single women and to women already married.

Whether he sinned in these marriages or not, I don't know. 

This is what I know.  Every day of my life overflows with extraordinary spiritual blessings. They are the direct result of the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ. And this was the life’s work of Joseph Smith. He suffered and struggled and labored and ultimately died, so that I could have these blessings.

I am convinced that he was truly a prophet of God.

GRIEF JOURNALING

Grief journaling is a technique I created to help me deal with the death of someone that I loved deeply. I did not seem to be able to cry or to talk about my loss and I was sliding into misery and despair.

About this same time I heard the psychiatrist Norman Rosenthal          interviewed on the subject of dealing with trauma.  He said that trauma victims have the need to tell their story, not just once, but over and over again. And that they need to tell it in a different way each time.

So I decided to write about my loss, using this idea of telling the story repeatedly, but differently each time. I found that it worked extremely well. It was a gentle, effective way to release sorrow and lift depression.

This is how I practiced grief journaling:

1) I chose a sad or traumatic experience.

2) I got an inexpensive, spiral bound notebook and start writing about the experience.

3) I did not allow myself to write more than one sentence per day. More than that was too painful, but I could manage one sentence.

4) After several days, I had written a short paragraph. That was when I stopped and started over on another page. I wrote about the same events, but used different words.

5) After several more days I finished that paragraph too.

6) I returned to the first page and started writing again, continuing to tell about the tragedy that had I had experienced.  But always, just one sentence per day. And at the end of each paragraph I stopped, moved to the second page and described the same events over again—using different words.

7) I continued in this manner until I had described the tragedy completely at least two times.

7) I didn’t go back and read over what I wrote. In fact, I may decide to discard it. It was the writing process that seemed to be important, not the finished product.

Because this is such a slow process, it took me over a year to describe the trauma that I was feeling. But I experienced immediate relief—from the first day that I wrote the first sentence.  My depression started to lift and I began to feel that I could cope with my grief. 

From time to time, the depression would return. Every time this happened, I realized that I had forgotten to write each paragraph two times. Apparently, repetition is an extremely important part of the process. When I went back and started rewriting the experience, my depression would again lift.

I am not a therapist or a psychologist, so I do not feel I can prescribe grief journaling for anyone else. But it has been so helpful to me, that I thought I should share it. You can decide for yourself if it is something that you would like to try.