GIVING AWAY MY SINS

Important Note:  There are many  different reasons that people can feel empty and alone. For example, these can be symptoms of clinical depression. Mental illness is not a sin and it is not a punishment for sin. In fact,  Elder Holland gave a moving conference address on that topic in October 2012. The title was "Like a Broken Vessel"

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                                GIVING AWAY MY SINS


In April 2013, Elder Jeffery Holland delivered an address in General Conference which became an instant classic. Titled “Lord, I Believe”, it was addressed to anyone who had doubts or questions about the doctrines and practices of the church.

I am aware of many sincere church members who have such doubts and questions; I have been one of those members myself. So I was listening intently when he made a crucial point about doubts, about faith and about what might lead someone away from the truth:

“The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.”

He goes on to say:

“I am not asking you to pretend to faith that you do not have.  I am asking you to be true to the faith that you do have.”

I think his point was this:  the Holy Spirit does not depart from us as a punishment for asking sincere, honest questions--no matter how painful or difficult those questions may be. The Holy Spirit only departs from us when we do not live up to the truth that we have already received.

Why does that failure put us in such danger? 

Because when the Holy Spirit departs, so does the ability to discern truth from lies and good from evil.  (John 16:13)

As a child growing up in the church, I observed several people who practiced and preached blind obedience. They believed that they should not question any church leader, from bishop and stake president to apostle and prophet. I was also a sad witness to the tragic consequences of this belief.

So as an adult, I rejected blind obedience. I decided that I needed to get my own testimony of any counsel I received and any principle I was taught. I simply didn’t trust anyone enough to put my eternal salvation or even my temporal well being completely into their hands. I needed to know things for myself.

Over time, I found that I could approach the Lord and receive personal guidance and reassurance on any issue that affected my life. I was profoundly grateful for this blessing. Yet, at the same time, I felt that something was missing; Latter-day Saints are not promised just the occasional moment of divine inspiration. We are promised the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.

This I did not have.

I felt empty and alone. My sense of spiritual abandonment lasted for a very long time—I lived in pain and confusion for over a decade. Until, one day, when I finally realized that I was regularly engaged in a sin that offended the Spirit. 

What was this serious sin?

I had a judgmental heart.  I had a perfectionist attitude toward everyone around me.  I routinely evaluated the people in my life and made note of their short-comings.  I indulged in constant, silent criticism toward others, all while nourishing my own sense of superiority.

I knew that this behavior was wrong. 

But I was so terribly fond of my sin. And it seemed like such a little one. What I had to learn from hard experience was that the Holy Spirit simply would not stick around and keep me company until I gave it up.

When I finally realized how deeply I was offending God, I tried to change.  I acknowledged my sin and asked for help to repent. I tried to make compassion, charity and humility a daily part of my life. I tried to catch myself in the act of being critical and judgmental. I tried very hard. I prayed very
hard. Eventually, I had to admit that this sin was not just a bad habit—it was my besetting weakness. I would be struggling with it for the rest of my life.

That was not good news. But I was not discouraged because by this time I had learned something glorious. I did not need to be perfect to receive the companionship of the Holy Spirit.

I just needed be making an earnest effort.

As I made serious, honest efforts to change, I began to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit more often.The more humbly I asked for help, the more steadily I tried to change, the more peace and love and joy began to fill my life. These were the fruits of the Spirit that I had been craving for so long. (Galatians 5:22)  And I began enjoying them even though I was still very far from perfect. 

To this day, I am constantly stumbling and falling. I don’t only struggle with being judgmental, but also with envy, with gossip, with holding grudges, and a long list of other sins and weaknesses.  But as long as I honestly admit my failure and I then get up and try again, I am showered with an abundance of spiritual blessings. (I believe this is what scripture calls “grace”.)

What does this have to do with Elder Holland’s talk?

Well, I still don’t believe in blind obedience.  I’ve never had the Holy Spirit tell me that all church leaders are always right about everything all of the time. And so I keep stubbornly insisting on getting my own personal witness about anything I am told. 

This seems to be enough.  As long as I live up to the light that I have received, I am blessed with the gift of the Holy Ghost.  And, from time to time, I am also blessed with further light and knowledge. 

         

I can’t say that I love all of the policies of the church and all of the preaching that comes over the pulpit.  I can say that this church and its priesthood keys are the greatest source of spiritual power, earthly peace and divine love that I have ever experienced.

But that spiritual outpouring did not begin until I was willing to see and repent of my greatest weakness.

There is a powerful story in The Book of Mormon that illustrates this principle. A Lamanite king has just heard the gospel message for the first time from a missionary named Aaron. He responds by getting down from his throne, prostrating himself on the palace floor and offering up this prayer:

                                 “O God,
             Aaron hath told me that there is a God;
                           And if there is a God,

                           And if thou art God,

                  Wilt thou make thyself known unto me?

            And I will give away all my sins to know thee . . .”                  

                                                Alma 22:18