OUTER CHAOS, INNER CALM

From time to time I will come across the following advice: “A successful day starts by making your bed.” I suppose the idea is a little bit of order and self-discipline will get off me to a good start and help me begin a day of productive activity.

I only have one problem with this suggestion--if I make my bed every day I will die. Not immediately, but probably within a couple of years.

Due to some serious health challenges, my body creates a limited amount of energy. If I spend that energy making the bed and doing other similar tasks, I run a real risk of using up the energy that I need to move and to breathe.

When I first began struggling with my health, I had one very young daughter. On a good day, I could keep an eye on my child, do some laundry and fix a few meals. One afternoon I was lying on the couch, looking at the mess in my living room and feeling very discouraged. The clutter really bothered me, yet I knew that nothing in my life was going to change anytime soon.

That was the moment I realized I must learn to do something very hard. I must learn how to remain calm in less than ideal circumstances. I must learn to be serene, patient, and loving while living in the midst of chaos.

I believe the human brain craves order and beauty. I believe when we are surrounded by order and beauty most of us find it easier to be kind and patient with each other.

But I could not create order and beauty around me. And my loyal husband was very busy working full time, being a daddy, and caring for his sick wife.

I think there are many people who must live in chaos, at least for a time. Fun things like a kitchen remodel or hard things like a family crisis may create enormous stressors and stretch us to the breaking point. So I thought I would share ten practices that have helped me maintain order and beauty in my soul when I could not have order and beauty in my home.


1. Manage tension and pain.
Tension plus chaos make it really hard to stay serene! So I pay attention to my physical comfort. There are many ways to care for the body--relaxation, stretching, more water and good nutrition are just a few that have helped me. If I am not living on the very edge of my endurance, I am less likely to blow up and say something I regret to the people that I love.

2. Take a mental break
It is wonderfully helpful to watch a favorite film or read an entertaining book. Recently I heard a favorite podcaster say that reading something fun helps her to relax--and when she is relaxed, she’s a better person! https://shalominthecity.libsyn.com/maybe-we-should-hang-out-of-something

3. If someone genuinely wants to help me, let them help me!
And here’s a bit of advice for those who have a friend who suffers with a chronic condition. Don’t be so overwhelmed by the enormity of their problem that you decide a small act of kindness couldn’t possibly make any difference. Small acts of kindness have big benefits.

Several summers ago, I wanted some fresh tomatoes desperately, but every time I drove past a fruit stand I was too exhausted to stop and buy them. Then one day my doorbell rang. It was my neighbor, Ruth, holding a bag full of tomatoes from her garden. That happened over 20 years ago, but the memory still comforts me today.

4. Have some fun!
Fun gives me energy and helps me relax. It releases hormones that calm my brain and comfort my heart.

Once my son was asked where his family liked to go on vacation. He replied that since his mom was sick, we didn’t vacation very much. So then his friend asked what we did for fun. “Well, he said, “we usually just sit around and talk and try to make each other laugh.” (Over the years we have gotten really good at making each other laugh.)

5. Spend time in nature.
Sometimes I will park my car under a tree and just look at the leaves rustling in the breeze. Sunlight and growing things reduce pain, energize me and restore my serenity.

6. Monitor self-talk.
Watch out for that nasty voice in my head saying that the surrounding chaos is proof I am worthless and unlovable. Remember God understands my challenges and will always love me. And remember that the Holy Spirit can fill a rat-infested dungeon when someone with a pure heart is suffering there.

7. Create a little bit of order and beauty.
Directly across from my easy chair is the side of my refrigerator. I have covered it with pictures of Christ, a beautiful art calendar and several inspiring quotations. I try to look at that instead of the rest of the kitchen!

8. Practice gratitude.
My husband helped me come up with this fun challenge. When I start worrying obsessively about something, I try to think of five to ten blessings related to that problem. Then I thank God for each one of those blessings.

For example, one of my current concerns is that when my husband retires, I will lose my health insurance. Related blessings are:
1) He is willing to keep working while we figure out a solution.
2) Right now, we do have excellent health insurance
3) I have great doctors.
4) I also have access to great alternative health care.
5) I have learned many important ways to help my body survive and heal.

Gratitude seems to make me more open to divine help. It is so easy for my prayers to become one long list of my worries and fears. But I actually receive better solutions when I shift my focus to gratitude.

9. Let God set my priorities.
Linda Reeves tells the story of a time in her life when she and her husband felt overwhelmed as they tried to take care of their four small children. When they went to the Lord the answer was: “It’s OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evenings.” (General Conference Talk, April 2014: “Protection from Pornography”)

I remember sitting on my front steps one summer afternoon watching my 6 year old play; I realized that she had worn the same swimsuit for three days in a row because I was too weak to help her find something else to wear. I thought about the long to-do list I had been taught all my life. I was supposed to be doing family history and missionary work and keeping a spotless home and serving my neighbor and going to the temple and being involved in my community while being the perfect mother and perfect wife. The loop of self-condemnation was running relentlessly inside my head.

And then, quite suddenly, a different voice spoke to me: “Take care of your daughter. Take care of yourself.”

In that moment, I knew the divine priorities of my life. I knew that the only person I needed to please was God, who perfectly knew my limitations and my life’s work.

Everyday I make up my to-do list and I show it God. Then, if it doesn’t feel right, I change it until it does. And I try not to worry about the mountain of other things that I do not get done that day.

10. Figure out my best kind of prayer.
The best kind of prayer makes me feel calmer and more able to cope. It makes me eager to pray again.

One of my friends prays out loud in her car. When she is struggling with a difficult problem she says: “I need to go for a drive!” She prays and she drives and she drives and she prays. Afterward she feels much more clarity and peace about what she should do.

I once heard someone call into a Christian radio program and say that she didn’t know how to pray when her preschoolers were taking all her time and energy. The radio guest told her to lie down on the floor, prostrate herself before the Lord and pray while her children climbed over her.

I like to load up my iPod with inspirational music. A few times a day, I take a 5 minute break to listen to a song and sit quietly with God. These prayer times restore my serenity and fill me with strength.

Under ideal circumstances, it is much easier to be patient, serene and full of joy. But very few of us live under ideal circumstances. And I didn’t come to earth to live in ideal circumstances anyway. I came to transform into a woman who is more like my Eternal Mother. Who (I am sure) remains serene no matter what is going on in the universe!